Social Struggles

With the "Diffuse Axonal Injury" I suffered (injuries scattered in differant lobes of the brain) my Frontal Lobe (the one controlling your emotions) must have been affected. Or maybe it was the psychological trauma of everything attached to my recovery which affected me greatly in the social arena. Whichever the case may be, I noticed a considerable drop-off in the determined, socially self-assured guy that stepped onto that football field back in December of 2001.

Annoyances of family members now became pure hatred. Some friends I had for a long time backed away. Perhaps it was seeing me as incapacitated as I was or my personality but they stopped returning my calls or visiting.

A gloomy outlook on life had replaced the positive one I had before. The harder I tried to grab at on to it and reel it back in, the angrier I became. Bitter sarcasm had replaced the dry wit that had peppered my conversations before.

In the various hospitals, I became withdrawn and completely absorbed with getting better.

At times early on, I could not focus my attention long on what I would read or see on TV. I could not remember conversations or words of encouragement from nurses or family members trying to brighten up my day. I was paranoid and looked for any spoken detail or non-verbal body langauge to give me a clue as to my recovery.

Not experiencing the same joy in anything I once enjoyed, I looked for ways to re-direct my need for enjoyment. Or even gratification. Accomplishment even. When a PT,OT or nurse told me of an accomplishment I had made I shrugged it off. I didnt take time to enjoy one minor accomplishment before moving on to another task.

How could anyone want to be around this depression? I couldn't even stand to be around myself. Remorse and feeling bad for myself was something I had no experience with. But here I was. How could I not feel bad? I saw hospital psychologists who always tried to spin positive garbage around the truth. "People live productive lives in wheelchairs" I was told. "You may not be able to return to the job you had before but there is still dignity in working as a stock boy at a grocery store!" Those "words of encouragement" cut me to the bone and I was not secure enough with the 'new me' to process them and speak up.

My longtime girlfriend and I split up. I had an already strained relationship with my father that was became even more tense. Other people connected to my accident showed little empathy and amazing arrogance. I cut myself off and became very private. That tense relationship with my father came to a head in North Carolina. Like the rest of my family, I had to eventually sever ties with him when I came back to Florida.

Becoming shy, I forced myself to date. I was amazed at how my limited physical presence and odd motions could turn a person away so quickly. Then I felt guilty thinking that a few years prior, in my healthy state, I would have done similar things. I had the ability to get them interested in me on the first few dates even later in the first few months. Then I would lose their interest or tick the girl off.

Not even realizing that I might sound angrier then I really was, I was yelled at and "shamed" by doctors, attorneys and even close friends. It literally drove me crazy not knowing why I would say the inappropriate things or sound more condescending then I meant to.

I began taking my anger to the gym. Not talking to anyone, I would do strength training one day then aerobic the next. Perseveration right? I was relentless. In many ways I still am. I couldn't sleep and never saw a good looking guy in the mirror any more.

Anyone who was nice to me I felt was just having pity for the "disabled guy". Some people in my life even said to me; "maybe the only reason they [girl or a friend]like you is because they feel sorry for you". I was obviously not in the emotional state to hear things like that so I couldn't even respond.

Loss of jobs, girls and a horribly body image could not get me to concentrate long enough to do anything except go to the gym. I began snapping at people and staying awake until 3AM reading. A friend told me to break down and just cry. To mourn the loss of everything. She said it was ok to do and it would be healthy. But I couldn't. To this day I can't manage to get myself to that level of feeling hurt. Or wronged by life. Any time I have gotten close to self-pity (which can be a completely normal action depending on the situation) I was told to "quit feeling sorry for myself" and "lots of poeple have it worse off". Not wanting to be a whiny person I shut myself off. Self-pity drove me to think I was worthless and had nothing to offer anyone. When a speck of hope showed with a girl or a friend, they would admit that it was hard being with me and that they didnt see much of a future in me. Pretty depressing huh? Throw in a permenent limp and a gaggle of lawyers and youve got my life for four years.

Get used to people looking at you differently. Whether its percieved by you or reality. That is how you will feel. Having a good support system of family and friends is crucial to return to 'normalcy' for you. I bought a dog because they give you unconditional love. Maybe you will have a downward-turned smile or a arm that is "hiked up" combined with a limp. You will feel guilty for ever making a negative comment about how a person looks. No sticky note with a positive quote is going to make you feel better about that.

However, that is one of the great things to come out of all this. You may develop a stronger love of people in trying circumstances. Like the Grinch your heart will grow. Like mine it may seem, at times, to be too big. You have to learn to reel it in. It will scare people off. Or maybe you will go the opposite way and close yourself off. I tried to work on everything twice as hard.

You will have everybody and their brother fixated on your TBI. Blaming every normal flaw you may have on your head injury. Maybe youve always been bad with names. Maybe youve always been directionally-challenged. Everyone has different strengths. I think the same line every time someone tries to play the TBI card: "unless you are a trained neurologist, shut your pie-hole about head injuries".

I was told I needed a part-time caregiver to make sure I could handle all the Activities of Daily Living (ADL's) when I first lived by myself. She came by twice. People may think you may need things you really don't. But some of you will. Make sure you have yourself or someone who knows the situation make a discretionary judgement. One who is around you all the time and not one calling the shots from a desk in an office building in a different state.

Then I was told I needed a Personal Assistant. The PA finally admitted he felt guilty taking money for doing things he felt I could handle myself. That wall of self-doubt came down and I decided to take more control in my life. I bought a house. Installed a ceiling fan, painted walls and put up tile in the kitchen. It was a liberating feeling getting rid of some of the people who continued to hold me down. Some of them did so because it gave them a sense of purpose and some because they thought it was "the best for me" for them to have some control in my life. But my life is my deal. If I screw it up at least its my screw up.